Dear Sasha

Dear Sashabear -

Today is Father's Day and it is also your birthday.

It's been 505 days since I've last seen you or held your hand.

12,120 hours since I've heard "I love you" from your lips, but who's counting?

You would have celebrated your 2nd Father's Day and your 37th birthday with us... I tried to run from it and planned a getaway so that I wouldn't be around here and remember what all the other families are doing. I realized this week that I had planned the perfect getaway, one that you would have LOVED to go on. You loved taking trips for your birthday and so we ended up honoring you instead of running away. Logan rode the carousel that you rode, he ate ice cream at the shop we ate at and he enjoyed himself to the max!

Sasha - 2012 / Logan - 2016

Your son is almost 2 and he is starting to show more of his will and personality and is definitely testing boundaries. However, praise God that he is pretty sensitive to my correction! I find myself OBSESSIVELY STARING at him everyday, looking for different little features or twitches that would remind me of you. He definitely has the Terzich head (in the 75th percentile, thank you very much) and will make these little smirks that totally remind me of you. What he lacks in your spitting image on the outside, he makes up for in his personality. He is a little hype man. He loves to go up to strangers, has no idea what personal space means and will smile at them, try to engage and clap his hands to get them to do the same. Some people are nice and play along, some straight ignore him (sound familiar?) He also LOVES to include everyone and wants people to pay attention to him....NOW does that sound familiar? :) I see so much of you in him and it makes my heart burst each day. Logan is an absolute joy to me and I'm appreciating him more and more.

I have to be honest though, I've gone to some dark places in the past year and a half, places where I questioned God and asked that dreaded question of WHY. Why did this happen to us? Why am I left here? Why am I now a single, working mom raising a fatherless child? And EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I would have those dark days, God gave me a new day with reminders of His faithfulness and love for our family. I am now committed to seeing all the blooms underneath the pouring rain of this trial. For example, when we checked into our hotel this weekend, they put us on the 4th floor - bellman takes us up and as soon as I hit the corridor, I see THIS.

Camp Widow

My mouth was hanging open and I just stood there trying to comprehend what it said and WHY??? Bellman had to nudge me a little but I was floored and couldn't believe it. You see, on our way down to San Diego, I was nervous and sad that it was just the two of us in this hotel full of people and I just didn't feel safe. Safe in the aspect that I would be so lonely and without another helping hand with a toddler. I would have never thought in a million years that the hotel would be full of WIDOWS, just like me!! I ended up talking to one in the hall and met a few others in the elevator, nothing dramatic, just small chit-chat. But, I realized how incredibly loving is our God to place an abundant amount of widows in the hotel and on the same FLOOR I was staying on to remind me that I am NOT ALONE. Not alone in my suffering and that He does care for me. It was really, quite perfect. I know that bad days will still come and I will continue to mourn the loss of your physical presence in our lives, but what I do know is that I will be purposeful in looking for the joyful blooms underneath the loss and pain.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that we are ok. We miss you. I miss you. Your family and friends miss you, but we are ok. I still look forward to the day that we will meet again. I love you. #onedaycloser

First hotel room stay

We're on a boat/bus

Ice Cream Treat

Zoo Day!